Pádraig was in good form today. Of course, it’s all and always relative. I am sure he answered “Hallo” to me when I came in and after I had said ‘hallo’ to him. But then again, you can never be sure. Nothing is ever certain. Maybe it never was.

You have to look at the bright side. Of Life. And believe.

Two things, not directly to do with Pádraig’s situation, but connected to it, happened today.

One was that I found a concert on youtube. A tribute to Joni Mitchell. I was looking for and listened for a few minutes to one of the most beautiful albums ever recorded: Joni Mitchell’s “Ladies of the Canyon” – which will always remind me of a New Year’s Eve party in Dortmund, it’s a long story… but no-one wanted to listen to this new album I had bought just a few days ago (if you’re old enough, you probably know the feeling…). So I had to wait until mid-night when everybody had gone down onto the street to welcome the New Year with fireworks. Finally, I was on my own at this party, put on the record, and the volume to max. From the third floor, standing on the windows wide open looking down onto the street, I listened to Morning Morgantown, Big Yellow Taxi and Woodstock. – All of a sudden, I was not here, but there. For a moment. Full of hope. Strong. On my own. You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone… I wish I had a river I could skate away on… you turn me on, I’m a radio…. (To be honest, not much has changed since – I’m still listening to the music on my own:)

The other… I found a note Pádraig had written to me some time before my 50th birthday. In this note, handwritten and in German, he tells me that I was getting ‘old’ –  he put ‘alt’ in inverted commas, as in ‘old’ but not really ‘old’. He was being kind to me. So, as I was getting ‘old’ – close to 50 – he gave me some advice.

The advice was to hand in the job, buy the boat I always wanted to buy. and do what I always wanted to do before it was getting too late to ever do it: sail around the world. He had it all figured out. It would probably take a year. He was getting out of school, Laura could take some time off, Pat would get a sabbatical, Maria would be on her transition year. Someone would be able to sail away with me. Maybe all of us could go together on this sailing trip.

Of course, we never went, I never quit the job – though I managed to blow our family’s annual holiday budget sailing across from Halifax to Belfast and on to Dublin the year I turned 50. Years ago.

Today’s German Music Tip
Rio Reiser – Junimond – Live-Konzert 1990 in Stuttgart
Hab dich flussauf- und flußabwärts gesucht
What’s hot
Keep searching, keep traveling, make friends
What’s cold
To be sure
The German word/phrase/verse of the day
Der Gender-Krampf verhunzt die deutsche Sprache

Orson Welles once said that “if you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story”.

What does that mean? How do you know when to stop the story? When are you happy enough to stop it?

Pádraig today had his biggest smile for a long time when Maria was talking to him. He so enjoyed listening to her talking about people, music, and life. How much he enjoys life. Normality.

Otherwise, all was quiet today. A normal day. For Pádraig. Eating. Drinking. Breathing. Going out. In the rain.

The new year has started. I am still planning. Wondering where the year will take us. Is it worth planning? Certainly not for a year.

But Socrates had a point – you could loose a lot of time fighting what exists when you’d be much better of building the new. An Saol on the Dreamboat. In 2015.

We won’t stop the story here. We’ll hang in. For the happy ending.

Today’s German Music Tip
Ulla Meinecke – Junimond (Abschied von Rio Reiser)
Rio Reiser was the singer of the German rock band ‘Ton, Steine, Scherben’, and died at age 46 in 1996.
What’s hot
Happy
What’s cold
Ending
The German word/phrase/verse of the day
Keine Macht für Niemand!

Have you ever tried to write something about your life and the life of someone close to you every day? I’d never done anything like this before. When I started, I thought I’d do it for a few weeks, for a number of months max. until Pádraig would be better. Maybe not exactly like before the accident, but communicating with us and taken back at least some level of control over his life.

I would never have anticipated how long I’d be doing this. More than a year and a half.

You would probably never have anticipated that you’d still be going to the hospi-tales after so many months either.

I was going to ask when and where it’ll all end. I won’t. The day will come and when it’s there we’ll all know.

For the time being, I’ll keep writing. Into the New Year. Pádraig will make progress. Step by step. Bit by bit. And the hospi-tales will be coming out. Every night.

Today, I brought in the haircutter. Remember the haircutter? The one that you can use for designer haircuts at the back of somebody’s head. I resisted the temptation and, what is more surprising than that, there weren’t any mishaps either. We also washed Pádraig’s hair, something we should do more often, not just because he’s obviously worth it:), but also because we really need more practice to get through this a bit smoother. Because when we were finished the place was in a slight mess, none of it my fault, of course:), but we managed to get it all organised and back to ‘normal’ in no time.

So back to the New Year resolutions… have you got any?

Today’s German Music Tip
Andreas Bourani, Auf anderen Wegen
Du schlägst Wurzeln, ich muss fliegen
What’s hot
Haircuts
What’s cold
New Year’s resolutions
The German word/phrase/verse of the day
Höa doch eimal mit diese Laberei auf!

No. Not Stallone. But Sylvester I.

He was the bishop of Rome up to 335, when he died.  One of the big things he did was to baptise Emperor Constantin the Great. In Germany though, he is not know for this and other great things he did in his time, but because ‘his’ day is the 31st of December. It’s Sylvester today, the last day of the year.

When I went to the supermarket this morning, a whole section looked like as if the Germans were getting ready for the next big war:

60 Schuss (shots), rockets by the dozen, 8 times canon fire, China bangers, 19 shot platoon, 25 shots – just fire once… and this is just a selection.

Last year, we were watching the fireworks from the window of a room in the ICU of the UKE. 6 months after the accident, Pádraig was again right on the edge.

Tonight, he had something to eat (very finely minced), and a drink of water. He was exercising on the viva la MOTOMed, sitting in his wheelchair while a ridiculous programme on Eurosport about the ‘best’ mishaps of 2014 was playing in the background. We were out on the roof garden, watching some early fireworks that were going off in the distance.

Next week, on Wednesday, Pádraig has another appointment in the UKE, this time in the ENT Polyclinic’s outpatient’s department to see whether they can remove his tracheostomy. If they think they can, he’ll get another appointment to come in for a few days. Fingers crossed.

Since this is the last day of the year, I want to thank you all for what you have done  to support Pádraig over the year. Without all the crazy (and the ‘regular’:) stuff you did, we would all have given up and packed it in. We didn’t and we won’t. Dreamboaters.

Thank you.

No late night car journey to a hospital this year to see how this routine operation had worked out. Pádraig is very stable tonight, his lungs are fine and he is getting better every day. It was a very different story this day last year.

Looking back to how it was then makes me think that we should be very thankful to all who contributed to his survival and recovery so far.

Thank you! You are my heroes.

Pádraig had a phase where he really really liked ‘smileys’. They were everywhere. And it was easy to find a birthday or a Christmas present for him.

Sometimes I think I’m only writing about the good things that are happening.

About how well Pádraig is doing. The improvements he’s making. The way he really tries so hard. The way he doesn’t let all those frustrating moments, when things don’t quite work out the way he would want them to work out, get into his way. About his incredible will-power to keep going in the toughest of all times for him. The ripples, or rather giant waves he’s creating from his hospital bed. Bringing people together who haven’t met for ages. Getting people to do things they never thought they were able to do. Creating and firming up friendships that will last forever. Having people opening up their hearts and show incredible solidarity and support.

Sometimes I wonder whether that is a good thing. Because life isn’t really like that. Good. At least not all the time. – So what to do when bad things happen?

On the other hand, some people believe that your mind and your attitude can change the way you are and the way you feel, as in: you feel good if you really want to, if you focus on the positive aspects of what is going on.

Pádraig has a quote pinned up on the wall of his room at home, it’s from a famous Irishman, who wasn’t always treated that well himself, who quotes Lord Darlington in Lady Windermere’s Fan, A Play About a Good Woman, first produced 22 February 1892 in London, as saying:

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Being German and all (although I’ve started to doubt that too:) being positive and joyful and funny doesn’t really come natural. But – I’ll keep thinking about this…. Germans are good at thinking.

Talking about good news: Pádraig today moved his head. By himself. Which is really good. Not just because every movement he initiates wilfully himself is absolutely brilliant, but also because head control is great for breathing too. The more the better. And the better he will manage without the tracheostomy. Which is the first of the three main things we would like to get rid of.

So it looks like as if the good news will keep coming.

PS: I went away with Maria for a couple of days. We came back tonight to a Hamburg covered in snow. It was really nice to have spent that time with her and I’m sure I won’t ever forget those days with her. I’m sure she won’t either:)

Have you ever done something that remembered you of another time? Maybe because there was a smell, a song, a place, or just some noise that brought you back to that other time.

Some people I know don’t want to do something that worked out really well again, just in case this time it wouldn’t. Other people I know are going for a repeat – if it worked out last time, if something was really nice, they say “let’s do it again”!

T. S. Eliot once wrote: “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” – I don’t know about you, but I had to read this a few times… I suppose what it means is that whether something is a beginning or an end depends on your perspective.

Pádraig was good today. Trying hard. Really trying hard to breathe with the cannula capped. This evening, he got a ‘full’ pureed evening meal which he half-finished – not quite like himself yet, but getting there. He just needs to keep at it, right? Keep going, sailing down the stream, keep believing. That nothing is impossible.

The T.S. Eliot quote implies that whatever you do, it’s never possible to go back: you can neither fail nor succeed in repeating a great experience. Life has no repeats.

There are so many situations, moments, smells, songs, places that make me expect Pádraig to appear suddenly out of nowhere because he just belongs into this “setting”, he has always been in it. I want to go back to the good times and can’t.

It’s from the end that we have to start from. And to keep going. And to keep believing.

Today’s German Music Tip
Clueso, Gewinner
Ich geb’ nicht auf, gehst du mit mir, gehst du mit mir, mit auf uns zu!
What’s hot
Beginnings
What’s cold
Endings
The German word/phrase/verse of the day
Mein lieber Scholli!

He has lost his way.

Cardinal Raymond Burke and Philadelphia Archbishop Charles Chaput are quoted in the Christian Times that they believe he is not providing leadership.  The Australian Cardinal George Pell is raising the possibility that Francis might be a “false pope”.

This is a certainly a Pope with opinions. The kind that doesn’t go down that well with the establishment. – Look at these ailments he identified in the curia. I thought that either there must be loads of Irish Builder-Boomers in the curia, or powerful people in large institutions just can have a lot of traits in common.

Where would you find people who are being “rivals or boastful”, when “one’s appearance, the color of one’s vestments or honorific titles become the primary objective of life”? Or those suffering from ‘existential schizophrenia’, “losing contact with reality and concrete people”, “a sickness that academic degrees cannot fill”? Do you know people committing the ‘terrorism of gossip’? There are certainly loads of people around who “glorify one’s bosses”, who “court their superiors”, those who are “victims of careerism and opportunism”.

If you want to help people, take responsibility for their welfare, support a caring health system, then you cannot do this with people who have primarily either votes or money on their mind. It’s not a competition. It’s not about who is going to win at the cost of others.

Pádraig is continuing with his training. Regularly. Continuously. Getting better. Sitting up in the wheelchair, eating and drinking, breathing with a capped cannula, having a go on the viva la MOTOMed. And new ‘firsts’ at regular intervals. He is sailing down the stream on the Dreamboat, and he believes that things can change.

In the New Year, we will bring things together. People with integrity and an organisation with transparency, to offer persons with severe brain injuries adequate and affordable help and support.

I know that many of you will be part of this!

Do you know people who feel immortal, immune or indispensable? People who work too hard, who are becoming spiritually and mentally hardened? People who plan too much yet work without coordination, like an orchestra that produces noise? And have you come across people who have ‘spiritual Alzheimer’s’?

To me, this sounds like the absolute perfect description of those bankers, builders, and property developers who ruined the country, well: in fact several countries, with the backing of their political masters. Those who defended “bare knuckles capitalism” when they were making an absolute fortune from a big bubble of hot air, and then introduced socialism for the rich when the deals went down by sharing out their debts with all of society, including you and me.

I cannot read this description of these ‘ailments’ often enough. It’s pure brilliance, I think.

The most brilliant thing about this description, however, is that it is part of the “15 Ailments of the Curia” referred to by Pope Francis in his Christmas Address this year.

Try to remember, when was it that you heard a Pope talk like this? I remember bishops, and bishops in Latin America especially, getting into big trouble with the Vatican (and the German Pope) for saying stuff like this some years ago. And now? Now, the Pope himself is from Latin America and is telling off the catholic churches’ officials. – Looks like there are interesting times to come!

Over Christmas, Pádraig was as good as he can get these days. I remember that we used to check his vital signs (heart beat, oxygen) on the monitor first thing when we came in, but not anymore. When he is in the wheelchair, we even disconnect him from all these wires altogether, without any hesitation. Physically, he’s great, he been getting so much better and stronger, and I am sure that this also is affecting his level of alertness.

But it is like training. Even if you have achieved a ‘personal best’, or a PB, like one of Pádraig’s ‘firsts’, you will have to work hard, and keep working hard, over quite some time, so that you repeat this PB again and again, until it becomes something that you then take for granted. You can never let go, you have to keep at it, every day. This is what is happening with Pádraig. He can drink. Next day, he tries again and this time it doesn’t work that well. But he keeps trying. Working through all of this frustration of failure. But he keeps trying and the next day it works again. And the next. And the following day he doesn’t take the water and the milk from a spoon but out of a cup.

All of this is like so many things in life. Good things don’t tend to fall into your lap. They are the result of hard, continuous, regular work

There was a great surprise today when a team of physios came in to work with Pádraig for a session. Something we hadn’t expected on the 2. Weihnachtstag – when staff is still on a skeleton level. It was brilliant.

Oh, I gave a copy of Amhrán do Phádraig and the Dreamboat yesterday to Udo Lindenberg 🙂