I am sitting in the dark. Just the laptop screen is bringing some light to the room. Small lights on the keyboard help me to find the letters as I am typing. The windows are wide open to let in some air.
If you are the dealer, I’m out of the game
If you are the healer, it means I’m broken and lame
If thine is the glory then mine must be the shame
You want it darker
We kill the flame
Lyrics mean different things to different people and in different circumstances. Listening tonight, as I am sitting in the dark, to You want it darker by Leonard Cohen, the quintessential minimalistic song, reflects my mood tonight. And it carries some peace that is stunning. You want it darker. We kill the flame.
There’s a lover in the story
But the story’s still the same
There’s a lullaby for suffering
And a paradox to blame
Cohen wrote and recorded this song when death was close. The time when you accept things as they are. Even if they are not quite as you wish them to be.
To “be ready”, to be able to say “hineni” is, I feel, one of the highest achievements for anybody. Not only when death is near, but even more so when you are totally focused on life. There’s no more chasing, no more hatred, no more disappointed. All this is substituted by the acceptance that “the story is still the same“, no matter what.
No matter what.
It’ll be our last day here tomorrow. A short day: one hour physio, one hour lokomat, one hour SLT. An hour or two driving. Two hours flying. 15 minutes home.
I feel stronger than before. I’m sure Pádraig feels stronger. Physically and mentally. The road will be long and winding, but we have the strength to travel it. We’ll be on top of the wave and there will be times when we’ll be out of the game, when we’ll be broken and lame. But it won’t make a difference. Because we’re ready. Ready to take on this journey together. And along the way we’ll have fund and enjoy the moments of laughter, humour, love and tenderness. As well as sitting in the dark. Listening to the most brilliant verse, voice and music you could imagine.
Here we are. We are present. Hineni.